Twilite
by Costas Lopez
Summary: A fan fiction of Twilight to help fans enjoy the seriousness of Twitards. A random adventure of Bella and her casmus... and Edward i guess.
1. Chapter 1

Twilite

In Arizona, dry cactuses as big as Rosie O'Donell's stomach and cracked sand surrounding a house. Inside the house we find Bella.

Bella- Hi!

No not that enthusiastically.

Bella- *monotone* ughh… I have a cactus.

As she lifts the casmusus we discover her cactus is plastic.

I mean really! She has a big ass cactus outside her fucking door! But no! That douche-whore-jackass is all like "lemme get my plastic casmus." I mean, seriously!

So this bitch flies to Washington to be with her dad. Washington! One of the most depressed states in the US! Really you sound like you cut your wrists and now you move so you can fit in. How sad… literally.

Okay so once she reaces this fucking depression pothole she meets her dad's old friend, Fish Drowning in Running Water and his son… Jacob. I mean how is your name going to be 100% Native American and have tongue clicks and shit and you're going to name your child Jacob. And that just bugs me. How the hell are you going to let your kid not get a fucking haircut. The most simplest shit you can do. But no. Your retarded for letting your son look like a man-lady-wolf-person-magic-unicorn-thing! …Jacob Black the man-lady.

Boojy bitches get on my nerves all the damn time about how their fat and you can see teir rib cage. I just feel the need to shove fried twinkies down their throat. And no Paris Hilton is not saving world hunger by starving herself. No! Thats not hot! Sorry about the random paragraph.

But we digress. So anyways, yeah, Bella meets Jacob and she's all like, "Would you like to play with my casmus?" and Jacob's all like, "uh no?" So, then she goes to Shithole High where she meets a few, obviously unimportant but could make great friends people who she talked to until she met DUN DUN DUUUUN!... The gay fairy!

Edward Cullen is too beautiful to be gay. He probably dated Bella because she looked like an emo dude. He's al like "ooh, emo? das hot!" But, when he sees that she has boots, Edwards all like, "Uh, no! Not fucking that shit." and runs away. But Bella is all like, "God, he's so mysterious!"

I love how she discovers the secret that he's a vampire because she touches his hand. So this who is so pale that she makes mayonaise look brown google "cold hands". She gets for her result: dead people, vampires, and anorexic cats. So she wonders which one of the three he is. Well he isn't dead and he isn't a fucking anorexic cat. So he must be a vampire. Where the fuck is his vampire teeth?!? Have you considered the fact that hes from Alaska. The Alaska where Sarah Palin can see Russia from her house.


	2. Chapter 2

I also like when Bella first entered the classroom and Edward's covering his mouth and is like, "Bitch, why you smell so bad?!!" Then, Bella's all like, "wanna play with my prickley casmus?" and Edward's like "I don't roll that way, hoe!" Then he moves. And Bella's like, "God, I want to fuck that fag."

So anyway, Edward goes to the office and says, "yo, can I get into a class with more gays?" and the secretary is like, "… what?" Then Bella walks in with her stank and Edward's all like, "Oh gawd" and runs away. Bella's all like "frown" and follows him.

(Incoming Twitard Spamming)  
"Twilight [that's how you spell it!!!] is the shit lol :] Edward is the sexiest guy! Don't be jelous and just because you can't grow hair like Jacob don't hate lol."  
From: Andrea (the Twitard) Don't hate!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

As Edward is running down the corridor his vampy senses tingle and he smells Bella. "Look hoe". As Bella stops she says, "I just want you to touch my casmus." "No it reminds me of your vag!" And Edward runs away.

Bella stood in a daze and even started hyperventilating, "oh mi gawd, oh mi gawd, oh mi gawd…" then Edward's lesbian sister/ girlfriend/ mom, Alice, flew down and said, "Bella… I can read minds and shit." And Bella's all lyke, "kool". So, they hang out for a while until they meet Jasper/ Emmett (sp?), I dunno. Then, Edward comes back to Bella and is like, "Girl how yo name sound?!" Bella, startled, said, "casmus!!" Edward and all his vampire peoples laughed and said, "Let's go play baseball!" So, they go to the baseball field, and they're all like, "this game need paramour." So, they bust out aboombox and played what sounded like a Banshee call. Bella's casmus's ears burst into flames. Bella said, "ow" and sat on third base. Jasper hit the ball and Edward's like, "Casmus!" so, they ended the game and wet back to their bat cave.


	3. Chapter 3

As Edward is pushing his shopping cart in Walmart he checks his grocery list. "It's Halloween! I'm so excited cuz I'm going to make everybody 'Boo-berry muffins' and I'm going to throw sparkles at the trick-o-treaters *squeal* dis be da bestisbisis Halloween-y eva!" "Okay! So I got candy, vampire teeth (because I have none), chocolate, BLOOD…" "_casmus…." _Bella whispers as she puts a casmus in the shopping cart. "No! Bella! Bad!" Edward yells as he sprays her with a squirt bottle.

Bella implodes because she is allergic to water. And Edward is all like, "… alright." So he goes home because he had no money with him anyway. As Edward leaves, the intercom come on and says, "Clean up in Aisle 9… somehow the entire aisle got filled with miniature casmuses… oh shit this better not be coming out of my paycheck. *sigh*".

So Edward goes home and says, "Hey everyone, Bella's dead…" then everyone's eyeliner starts running. And Bellas like, "Heyguys, I'm back." And Jacob's like, "Hooray!" and humps Bella's leg. But then he starts to bleed because Bell has casmus legs. "Ow." Jacob says, licking the blood off his leg. Then Edward's like, "oh, lemme help you with that." And he starts licking the blood, too. And Alice is videotaping it for who knows why, and Bella whispers "_casmus…._"

So anyway, off the topic! We're in a forest as we see Jacob playing with dwarves! Then all of a sudden, rabbit invasion! AHHH! As the bunnies attack Bella she says with no emotion, "Ah. I'm being eaten alive. Jacob save-" "I got you!" Jacob says heroically. " -my casmus." Bella says finishing her sentence. "I just knitted my casmus a sweater." *Bella frowns* "umm… okay I'm just going to leave your boney, white ass to be eaten by these rabbits." Jacob smirks slyly (IDK). "No… don't leave… stop" Bella whispers so Jacob is out of earshot.

"I'm going to find me a Hispanic girl with a big ass like " say Jacob happily. So Bella gets probed by the rabbits who were actually aliens (Lady Gaga and left in the forest. What will happen to her casmus? Who's going to beJacob's new girlfriend? "ME!" yells a random twitard in the audience. All these questions I can't even answer!

Well at the pier, we see Jacob eating a corndog. "Ooooh! He looks so sexy eating a corndog!" say all the twitards in the audience. As the twitards say this Jacob looks at them and says, "Can't y'all just shut the fuck up and get a life… Jesus its people like you that give me a bad reputation." "But… we love you!" shriek the Twitards. "Shoosh!" says Jacob here she comes. 5 minutes later a chonga walks up and starts making out with Jacob. "Eww…." Says all the Twitards. "Ohmygawd! If y'all don't shut the fuck up and gon punch all you bitches. Ohmygawd Jacob hold my rings, hold my nails, hold my earrings with my name in it" says the chonga as she breaks off her foot-long plastic nails and takes off her rings and earrings. "Wutchu want! Wussup!" (all the twitards shutup and piss their pants).

As Jacob and chonga go back to making out Bella observes them from inside a trashcan. She starts to growl at the chonga. "Did that trashcan just growl at me?" The chonga asks. "IDK but Jacob want a piece of that sweet azz! :3"


	4. Chapter 4

Cut the crap (poop). Britney (a twitard) pops out from behind the corndog cart, attacks Jacob and humps him. Then, Chonga says, "Oh hellz nah! How you be humpin on mah man like you be puh-pee… I'm funna kellz you." and starts Britney-beating up, and the Chonga dies because Britney transforms into a more 'chongier' person than Chonga. As this happens, Jacobs all terned on and like, "fuckz yea!" then Britney and Jacob make out.

Later, Jacob and Britney hop on a double decker bus and sex on it, and Bella pops out from the seat behind them and whispers, "_casmus…._" Jacob and Britney look over and see Bella rubbing the casmus against her face like Gollum and say, "WTF". As soon as Bella notices that Jacob and Britney are staring at Bella like she's crazy, Bella jumps out of her chair and starts belly dancing which makes Britney fly away.

Because Britney flies away, Jacob starts to cry like a little lost puppy. Bella looks over and asks him if he wants to pet her casmus, then Jacob starts yelling at her "What the fuck! Are you retard?!" After Jacob says this Bella shoves a casmus into Jacob's mouth. "Shh… just relax…. Daddy's here" whispers Bella. Hearing this Alice pops out of a hole in a tree rooted on the top of the double decker bus and whips out her video camera. "Vis vill vake a guud vocumutary vor my vilm class…" says Alice. "Alice?! What are doing in the tree?" asked Bella. "Nothing I'm here to drop a basket of goodies off to grandma's house because she's sick." Says Alice. "Since when was Lil' Red Ridin' Hoe a vampire?" asked Jacob. "IDK but I love this song" says Bella as she tries to cuddle with Jacob. "What the fuck are you doing!" yells Jacob as he tazes her in the neck. Bella then spazes on the floor and starts throwing up casmus seeds. "Why did Bella say she loves this song if I can't hear music?" asked Alice. "Because the music mak love me gabba-goo! Jacob give me the trickudaba!" sings Bella. "Ignore her, she a deprived crackhead from Arizona" says Jacob. "Jacob! The trickudaba!" sings Bella while still spazzing o the floor. "What the hell do you want from me?!" says Jacob while pegging her in the forehead with the tazer.

Once Jacob throws the tazer at Bella, Bella catches the tazer with her toes and then continuously starts tazering herself in the neck. "Wow… this explains a lot about Bella being from Arizona (which has nothing to do with her personality)." Exclaims Alice. "Did you say that with sar-casmus?" askes Bella while laughing hysterically because she is tazering herself. "Um… no… and do you mean _sarcasm_?" answers Alice.


End file.
